In Defense of Mothers

My first priority when I became a mother (besides, you know, my child), was making sure that motherhood wasn't the only thing that defined me.  I still wanted to read long-form journalism, take pictures of exotic sunsets, and peruse fashion look books.  I rely very heavily on mommy bloggers, but I was determined to never become one.  I made a deal with a friend that I wouldn't plaster my Facebook wall with pictures of a baby who, to everyone else, looked like every other baby (but cuter, obviously).

In fact, I promised I would never give my son an entire blog post.  Then an article showed up on my newsfeed.  I read it, and I was livid.

I knew that being a stay-at-home mom, I was going to be faced with a lot of up-turned noses.  One of my friends, after a solo day-drinking session, told me that I "don't do dick."  If you're not down with our lingo, that means I don't do anything productive with my time. 

A good rule I try to live by (and sometimes fail miserably) is to not get offended by something that isn't true.  If I have a volatile reaction to something, it's probably because there's a seed of doubt in my mind.  When my drunk friend told me that I don't do dick, I simply said, "Sure, except be on call 24 hours a day to feed, change, and entertain an infant."  I've offered everyone I know the opportunity to trade, and no one has taken me up on it.  Except Tom at Monkey Island because she's awesome and loves kids.

Then that article popped up and I had a visceral reaction. It's really short, so I'll just copy and paste it so you don't give the author the satisfaction of having web traffic:

Every time I hear someone say that feminism is about validating every choice a woman makes I have to fight back vomit.

Do people really think that a stay at home mom is really on equal footing with a woman who works and takes care of herself? There’s no way those two things are the same. It’s hard for me to believe it’s not just verbally placating these people so they don’t get in trouble with the mommy bloggers.Having kids and getting married are considered life milestones. We have baby showers and wedding parties as if it’s a huge accomplishment and cause for celebration to be able to get knocked up or find someone to walk down the aisle with. These aren’t accomplishments, they are actually super easy tasks, literally anyone can do them. They are the most common thing, ever, in the history of the world. They are, by definition, average. And here’s the thing, why on earth are we settling for average?If women can do anything, why are we still content with applauding them for doing nothing?I want to have a shower for a woman when she backpacks on her own through Asia, gets a promotion, or lands a dream job not when she stays inside the box and does the house and kids thing which is the path of least resistance. The dominate cultural voice will tell you these are things you can do with a husband and kids, but as I’ve written before, that’s a lie. It’s just not reality.You will never have the time, energy, freedom or mobility to be exceptional if you have a husband and kids.I hear women talk about how “hard” it is to raise kids and manage a household all the time. I never hear men talk about this. It’s because women secretly like to talk about how hard managing a household is so they don’t have to explain their lack of real accomplishments. Men don’t care to “manage a household.” They aren’t conditioned to think stupid things like that are “important.”Women will be equal with men when we stop demanding that it be considered equally important to do housework and real work. They are not equal. Doing laundry will never be as important as being a doctor or an engineer or building a business. This word play is holding us back.

First, I just have to get this one thing off my chest.  Women who go backpacking across the world do get  "showers."  They're called a going away parties.  I had one, my sister had one, my friends Torie and Georgie had them.  It's common practice.  Also, to aspiring writers: please don't use the word "stupid" in your writing.  You have entire languages at your disposal.  Use them.

What really made me angry was calling moms average.  Saying taking care of the house and children isn't exceptional, and that we're applauding women for doing nothing.  Finally, she thinks getting married and having children is anti-feminist and the path of least resistance.  

The writer misunderstands feminism.  Feminism isn't about navigating the hierarchy of employment which venerates doctors, engineers, and entrepreneurs.  Feminism is about getting a choice.  A hundred years ago, women didn't have a choice about what we wanted to do. They were expected to marry young, pop out a few kids, and spend the rest of their lives caring for them.  When the kids have flown the coop, they might take up quilting.  The women who didn't want that lifestyle worked tooth and nail to avoid it, and are now considered icons of women's rights.

Now, women can choose to be doctors, engineers, fashion designers, writers, plumbers, PR executives or mothers.  Men can be stay-at-home dads.  There isn't a sacred text carved into stone that gives us finite answers to what is exceptional in the universe.  We choose what makes our own lives exceptional, and we're lucky that we're living in a time when that choice is available. It's a first world privilege that's to our advantage.